_____r e m i n i s c e// memories hurt...

song: yozora no mukou (SMAP) LUV THIS SONG!!

JULY 31, 2004

[1:50am] last day of july. gosh...this month was great...i think so. i have to start writing the [end of july] post on my DJ. anyways i don't know why, but then sometimes i'm scared of who will read my blog...so that's why i would type some stuff here. i mean i have no way to find out who regularly checks my blog. so i have no idea at all. the things i wrote on my blog is my daily ramblings...just basically what i did during the day. i don't write my thoughts anymore...i used to though. alot of my blog from the sem is about my thoughts and stuff like that. i don't dare write that anymore...because i know that i shouldn't make those things that public. i write in my blog just so i can remember them...since i have such bad memory...but i know that there WILL be people who read it. oh well. then all my posts on livejournal and deadjournal are all private these days. i don't know...well deadjournal they're definitely all private now...but livejournal, i think there are some that are still PUBLIC.

the thing is, i thought that lisher would find out by now that i don't want to be her friend anymore...besides...i make it so obvious anyways, the fact i don't update my deadjournal anymore. i don't get her..does she not bother to check my details or anything? there's like..."date last updated" and "number of posts". those things change daily...can't believe she couldn't see that. and then in my archive, everyday is highlighted. how can i NOT update? i just don't want her to know my thoughts. i don't want her to use my problems against me...like she did before. i dun give a shit anymore....i'm not telling her about anything between kelly and i...definitely not. what am i supposed to say? that we hate each other? or that we're still as close as ever? happy or sad, i don't want her to know. and then alot of stuff i just don't want her to know about. so that's why most of my entries are on private. she should realize it by now...that like....i'm purposely avoiding her and purposely not talking to her and everything. but i think that...i will have to just tell her the truth directly soon...

\listening to: carry on (exile)

JULY 28, 2004

[4:09am] finally archived that page lolz...it's been so long since i updated....a little more than 2 months i think. it's been so longg >___< because i update my other page more. i update almost everyday [txtshinya.pitas.com] and i also have my livejournal and deadjournal to update too. i guess things are going well these days. summer has been fun so far...unlike my other summers. i don't stay home that much...and when i do, i'm either watching series or playing DDR. these days, i don't go on much anymore because i don't think it's necessary to go on everyday. the same people are on everyday and there's really no point in talking to them. well maybe cindy and gigi of course hahaha but then that's it. i don't have to talk to them everyday. it gives me headaches to go on because people keep messaging me. lolz...and my computer is slow too so i can't do anything else. i used to find going online so fun...but don't know why, it just doesn't amuse me anymore. too much stuff happens online for me and i don't like it. i think my life would be better off without talking to some people.

i hate recalling this...but before, i used to always talk to kelly online. most of our fights happened online and actually, most of the happy moments were online too. but then i know that those days are over and that no matter how much i wish for those days to come back, i know they never will. times have changed...and i guess i've accepted that already. i know that even when i was depressed, i was always waiting for her to message me...waiting patiently...but it never happened. i remember before, i always got so angry that i'd end up blocking and deleting her because i was going crazy. but..that was wrong of me. i know that now. but i can't change the past. now, i barely talk to her online. sometimes i think she's avoiding me or something but i don't know. but then the difference between now and the past is...that when i'm online, that's no longer on my mind. i don't really wait for her to message me...nor do i care if she's online or not. i don't have intentions of even seeing what her NN is because i know that i'm better off not knowing. i never knew that this would happen though. i just can't stand it anymore...i can't stand being like this...

i'm not depressed anymore...in fact, i'm kind of scared of being depressed again so that's why i avoid doing so many things. i avoid doing things that would hurt me. i avoid THINKING of things that could hurt me. i never knew this in the past, but reminiscing really hurts. it hurts to think back...it hurts to recall memories...good or bad. so that's why i don't do that anymore. i don't care about my past...i don't care about anything anymore. sure...bad memories make me cry, but good memories make me cry even more. i hate it. whenever i think back, it always links to kelly somehow. but then i'm glad that i'm really unable to recall the past now. i don't know what it is...i guess....i DID bump my head really hard somewhere. whenever i try to think back, i get a headache...so maybe that's why i'm not depressed anymore. i was only depressed because i kept reminiscing...and no matter how much i tried back then, i was still depressed. that's why i'm not depressed now...i'm unable to reminisce...i'm unable to think about the past. i guess this is a great advantage somehow lolz. i dun give a shit if she messages me or not...i'm not waiting. i've waited long enough.

nancy and i are friends again...it's strange...she just started talking to me 2 days ago. i think gigi was the one who told her to talk to me...because like that day, we were talking about it. i said that i can't be friends with her but then gigi insisted that i at least try. i don't know what to do...like....i know that things are never going to go back to normal for us because too many things have happened...and if things do...it's only temporary...it always is. we always get into fights no matter what. i know that we were really close friends before but then the smallest thing can make us stop being friends...and i think that is a really bad thing. no matter what i do, i can't stop the fights. i know something is going to happen...but then i don't care anymore. our friendship means nothing to me anymore because i know that if i stress over it...it's probably just going to lead me to be depressed. sometimes i miss the old days before...when it was actually fun talking to her on msn...before we were such close friends. i miss the old her...i really do. i know that she's changed now.

as for kelly...i really don't know. i don't care anymore....damn my life is still so complicated..but i'm not depressed. it's because i have friends like cindy and gigi. they are always there for me, no matter what. i hope this never changes.

\listening to: like (lin you wei)

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